A Precious Man

In many ways, working at the hospital is a blessing.  While Daddy was sick, during numerous hospital stays this past year, I was able to spend much more time than most people with him.  I was able to go help him eat breakfast and lunch and I was also able to go check on him numerous times a day.  He was only a short walk away from my desk.  It was truly a blessing.  

Now that he is gone, at times, it is heart wrenching.  I never realized how awful it would feel to drive up to that building numerous times every week.  To have to make the same trip we made that last day, day after day.  I get this awful knot in my stomach every time I am pulling in the parking lot, re-living the final moments of my Daddy's life.  I do really love my job - especially, the people I work with.  I hope, one day, I won't dread the drive up.  Even walking the halls seems to evoke flashbacks to the final days.  At times, I wish I could just go somewhere else, so I wouldn't be constantly reminded of those days.  

And then, a day happens, where I feel so loved and I feel the love others have for Daddy.  I always knew my daddy was such a kind hearted man.  He was funny and just plain lovable.  Everyone loved my Daddy.  He was so charismatic....he just drew people in.    

Today, at work, I came in contact with so many people, offering hugs and support.  Telling me how sorry they are and recounting things about Daddy.  One lady, our wound care nurse, had visited and cared for daddy on numerous occasions.  I rode up in the elevator with her today and she told me how sorry she was and then said, "He was such a precious man."  I couldn't have put it better myself.  Daddy was just plain precious.  

I am missing him horribly today.  I know it hasn't been that long, and it is less than a week til Christmas.  Everyone keeps telling me that.  But, I can't think I will ever miss him any less.  I wonder sometimes, how can we go on and have Christmas?  A major part of our family is gone.  How can we celebrate without him?  The thought of Christmas morning, without Daddy sitting in "his chair" in the corner of the living room just makes me feel awful.  I was wrapping presents last night, and I came across a Christmas tag that I had messed up on and not used last year, and it said,"To: Daddy, From:Pam."  Oh, how I wish I was sticking those all over presents to him this year.  I can't imagine not having him there on all holidays.  Not having him at my wedding.  Him not being there, peeking in the nursery window at my future baby.  Him never calling me on the phone again.  Never hugging him again.  Never saying "I love you, Daddy-O!"  and never hearing, "I love you, Pumpkin."  

But, he was precious.  He would tell me to quit moping and we better have a good Christmas.  So, we are going to try.  I am making some really sweet homemade gifts for my family.  Great pictures with a handmade twist.  They will love them and I know Daddy would tell me how great they are and how thoughtful I am.  So, we will go on and have Christmas.  I have a feeling Daddy will be sitting in his corner, watching us all.