It was incredibly hard to put up the Christmas tree this past year. I have been the main person to assemble and decorate the tree at my parent's house for years, due to their age and health. Each year, Daddy would always be very excited when the tree went up and he would come in the living room and help fluff the branches. My mother would usually tell him he wasn't doing it right, but he would always stay in there, sit, and help fluff. I would them tell momma to stop fussing...that it was sweet of him to want to help. In it's own disfunctional way, it had become the Christmas tradition. And I loved every minute of it.
About 6 years ago, the day after Christmas, my daddy had gone out and bought a big tree. One that is really almost too big and tall for my parent's house. It is so big and grand and full, I have to manipulate it to even make it work, but it always turns out beautiful in the end. This year, merely days before Christmas, I mustered up all I had and told Mom I had to put up a tree. It wouldn't be Christmas without a Christmas Tree. But the thought of putting up Daddy's tree, just broke my heart. It would take a long time, since it was so huge and had many parts, and without Daddy sitting in the wingback chair fluffing out branches, I just didn't think I could handle it. All those memories would be coming back and I just knew I would break down. So, I asked Mom if I could just bring my old one over and put it up, since it was a 3 piece tree and wouldn't take long. Honestly, I think she was feeling the same way I did, so she agreed, and the dinky tree went up. It was so small, I actually ended up putting encyclopedias under the stand and covering them with the tree skirt to make it appear more substantial. I decided that since it was so small, there was also no need to rearrange the furniture in the living room. So, here was Christmas with none of the normal traditions and no Christmas spirit.
But, then I realized that Daddy would feel so bad if he thought he had ruined Christmas, so, I decorated that tree with all the normal trimmings and kept telling Momma how Daddy would be mad if we didn't have Christmas. We did all the Christmas shopping, wrapping, and anticipated the day, not knowing how we would handle it.
Christmas morning came and we all gathered around 9am, just like normal. No one sat in Daddy's chair the entire day. It was an unspoken feeling amongst everyone. That was Daddy's chair and he could never be replaced. I feel he was there that day, sitting in his chair, and probably laughing as Lexie opened her presents and played on her Wii. As the day progressed, there were some tears, but there was also laughter and love.
A few other holidays have come and gone. Daddy's birthday, Valentines Day, Mom's birthday. Holidays are the hardest, for sure. My family always made a huge deal out of holidays. Celebrating holidays is hard without Daddy being here with us, but what is even harder on me is all the other days. It has been almost 6 months and I find myself almost returning to the old "me." Not crying and feeling depressed and sad all the time. My "bad days" are fewer and farther between. I find myself smiling, joking and feeling normal. Then I have these guilty thoughts, like, how can we be just going on and acting normal without my Daddy? It isn't that he is forgotten, but somehow, we have become used to him not being around anymore. How can this be? How can such a prominent figure in my life for the past 32 years be gone, and I am already used to it? This is where the guilt has come in. There were so many moments after Daddy died that I would want to pick up the phone and call him and tell him all about it or just call to see how he was feeling. He used to call me every single night, just to chat for one reason or another. Oh, how I miss those calls. There have been so many joke emails that I have read and wanted to forward to him, because he would have loved them. Now it has become the norm not to expect a call from him, not to want to tell him when exciting things happen, not to email him. I have become used to him not being here, and this pains me even more that missing him on those special days we call holidays. Until November 27, 2008, not a single day in my life had passed where I didn't talk to my Daddy, and there were very few, really, that I didn't see him. I made it a priority in life to see him daily, just because, you never know for sure if you will have another day. I am so very glad I made this a priority now.
So, here I am feeling guilty. I know it is a normal phase, but it just doesn't seem right to be able to go on and carry on like normal. I do know for sure, though, that the hole in my heart will never heal or be filled with anyone else's love. But I am ok with this. This is one scar I don't ever want to go away. No matter how much it hurts at times for him to be gone, I don't want to be void of all emotions for my Daddy. I want to miss him so badly it hurts, because it proves how deep my love for him is and will always be. I am Daddy's little girl and will always be....I promised him that, and I keep my promises.
I love you, Daddy!
- Pumpkin
