A Precious Man

In many ways, working at the hospital is a blessing.  While Daddy was sick, during numerous hospital stays this past year, I was able to spend much more time than most people with him.  I was able to go help him eat breakfast and lunch and I was also able to go check on him numerous times a day.  He was only a short walk away from my desk.  It was truly a blessing.  

Now that he is gone, at times, it is heart wrenching.  I never realized how awful it would feel to drive up to that building numerous times every week.  To have to make the same trip we made that last day, day after day.  I get this awful knot in my stomach every time I am pulling in the parking lot, re-living the final moments of my Daddy's life.  I do really love my job - especially, the people I work with.  I hope, one day, I won't dread the drive up.  Even walking the halls seems to evoke flashbacks to the final days.  At times, I wish I could just go somewhere else, so I wouldn't be constantly reminded of those days.  

And then, a day happens, where I feel so loved and I feel the love others have for Daddy.  I always knew my daddy was such a kind hearted man.  He was funny and just plain lovable.  Everyone loved my Daddy.  He was so charismatic....he just drew people in.    

Today, at work, I came in contact with so many people, offering hugs and support.  Telling me how sorry they are and recounting things about Daddy.  One lady, our wound care nurse, had visited and cared for daddy on numerous occasions.  I rode up in the elevator with her today and she told me how sorry she was and then said, "He was such a precious man."  I couldn't have put it better myself.  Daddy was just plain precious.  

I am missing him horribly today.  I know it hasn't been that long, and it is less than a week til Christmas.  Everyone keeps telling me that.  But, I can't think I will ever miss him any less.  I wonder sometimes, how can we go on and have Christmas?  A major part of our family is gone.  How can we celebrate without him?  The thought of Christmas morning, without Daddy sitting in "his chair" in the corner of the living room just makes me feel awful.  I was wrapping presents last night, and I came across a Christmas tag that I had messed up on and not used last year, and it said,"To: Daddy, From:Pam."  Oh, how I wish I was sticking those all over presents to him this year.  I can't imagine not having him there on all holidays.  Not having him at my wedding.  Him not being there, peeking in the nursery window at my future baby.  Him never calling me on the phone again.  Never hugging him again.  Never saying "I love you, Daddy-O!"  and never hearing, "I love you, Pumpkin."  

But, he was precious.  He would tell me to quit moping and we better have a good Christmas.  So, we are going to try.  I am making some really sweet homemade gifts for my family.  Great pictures with a handmade twist.  They will love them and I know Daddy would tell me how great they are and how thoughtful I am.  So, we will go on and have Christmas.  I have a feeling Daddy will be sitting in his corner, watching us all.

Amazing

My daddy was so appreciative of everything I did for him.  I can't tell you how many times he gave me a hundred dollar bill just because "you do so much around here."   I would always say, "Daddy, you don't have to pay me.  You gave me life and raised me.  That's enough."  But he would always persist.  

The last weekend he was at home, before he went into the hospital for the last time, I don't even remember what all I had done.  I am sure it had something to do with errand running, cleaning, or cooking.  I got done with whatever it was that I was doing, and I walked into daddy's room to tell him I was done and would be leaving soon, and he looked at me, smiled and said, "you are amazing, you know that?"  Those words are emblazoned on my mind.  Amazing?  I don't feel amazing...ever.  I often feel like, no matter how much I do, or how hard I work, I never get EVERYTHING done.  I always feel like I could have done more and I am never done.   I am sure that I did nothing super amazing that day, but to my daddy, I was.  I will forever remember him telling me that and will continually strive to be what my daddy saw me as.  

It's all in your perspective.  Sometimes things that seem so small to you are amazing to others.  Small acts of kindness.  A smile.  A touch.  A hug.  Some people don't even take the time to appreciate these simple things in life.  They require no money, yet to someone in need, are priceless.  I realize, now, that it wasn't any one thing I did.  It was simply that Daddy appreciated everything I did.  He was really the amazing one.  Such perspective on life is amazing these days when so many people only appreciate gifts that are materialistic.  

So, Daddy....you know what?  You are amazing.   I mean it.  Amazing!  Wish I had told you sooner.

My Daddy...

I mentioned, in my first post, that I have had a very rough year.  Horrible, actually.  I lost my daddy 2 weeks ago, today.  On Thanksgiving day.  This was a particularly awful time of the year to lose him, since he was always my shopping partner on "Black Friday."  That's right....my daddy loved going out on the day after Thanksgiving to catch all the best deals.  Many years, he would sit at the dining room table on Thanksgiving day, looking at all the ads, planning where he wanted to go the next day and what he wanted to buy.  He was a shopper.  Definitely out shopped my mom.  I loved it.  I am very much like my daddy.  I like to be "on the go" and I love shopping.

My daddy had been very sick for a long time....approximately 2 years.  He was diagnosed with lung cancer a few days before Christmas in 2006.  I remember thinking that Christmas that it could be the last one we spent with him.  But he actually almost made it 2 more years.  This Christmas will be hard.  Really hard.   

I am a "daddy's girl" for sure.  From the moment I was born, I feel like I was the apple of his eye.  He was a sweet, sentimental guy.  Not afraid to cry.  Not afraid to hug and kiss.  He always told me how proud he was of me.  He always told me how much he loved me.  He called me pumpkin.  I still feel his presence.  I hear him talking to me.  I miss seeing him.  But, really, I have missed my daddy for more than a year.  Daddy used to call me all the time.  He had gotten really sick this past year, and a lot of my daddy had already died.  He was still there.  All the sweet qualities, but he hadn't been his full self in over a year.  Daddy was so full of life.  He laughed from the belly and loved to laugh.  He loved to pick on me and embarrass me.  He had a contagious laugh.  The last year of illnesses had really taken its toll on him and he was a shell of the man he used to be.

How am I coping?   Pretty well, actually.  Better than my mom, for sure.  I feel bad sometimes, when my mother starts crying and I don't join in.  I am not sure what is going on with me.  I can talk about my daddy and talk past memories and not cry.  I can actually make jokes and such.  Shouldn't I be devastated?  I feel like I shouldn't be able to carry on like I have.  Then, I have a day where I get emotional and it lasts all day, but I have done really well this week.  I sort of feel at peace.  I can't explain it well, but I will try.  I have absolutely NO DOUBT that my daddy knew how much I loved him.  Maybe, more-so than any other person in the world.  I showed him and told him daily.  I saw him daily.  I told him I loved him daily.  So many people have regrets about the things they didn't say or do when they lose a loved one.  My only regret is that he didn't get to walk me down the isle.  But, I know I have his blessing.  So whenever I do walk down the aisle, he'll be there....I just know it.  I don't have any regrets of what I did or didn't say or do.  Maybe this is why I am handling the loss ok.

Then I wonder if the realization hasn't set in yet.  That, maybe one day, it will hit me like a mack truck and I will crumble.  I hope that doesn't happen....only time will tell.  

I feel daddy is at peace now.  I feel joy that he is able to play golf again in heaven.  I am happy for him that he doesn't have to take 20 medications, go for Chemo treatments, struggle for breath, and feel awful all the time.  It makes me happy to think how happy he must be doing all the things that I know he truly missed doing, but wasn't physically able to do.  I am happy that he is with his daddy again and his mother, who he never really knew as a person.  

Do I miss him?  Of course I miss him.  I was at mom and dad's house the other day, and I picked up the bag we brought home from the hospital with Daddy's belongings.  I pulled out his shirt that he had worn to the Dr. the day he got admitted.  I instinctively buried my face in it, hoping to capture a moment of his presence.  I got it.  It smelled like my daddy.  He always smelled so good.  He loved to wear cologne and I knew it would smell like daddy.  I will never wash that shirt.  I hope it always smells like that.  I broke down.  I cried all day long.  Everything upset me all day.  I went back and smelled it again later.  My daddy.  

I am feeling a bit drained, so I will end his for now.  All my love, Daddy! 

-Pumpkin

About Me

Well, lets see. I already introduced myself as a blogstalker. It sounded a little like I was introducing myself as an addict at an "AA" meeting, didn't it. I suppose there is more to me than just a blogstalker. I'll just start rambling and see where it takes me....

My name is Pam. I am 32 years old and I hate saying that. I constantly wish I was still in my 20's....any year would be fine. I am having a really hard time adjusting to "being in my 30's." It just doesn't sound right. I have never been married, although I am engaged. I don't have any children, but I have 2 fur-babies named Scarlet and Rhett. I love them dearly and treat them like children. They are spoiled rotten. Back to engaged....I am engaged to a wonderful man who has been in my life for 10 years. Yes...we have dated 10 years and have been engaged for 3 years. It sounds crazy, I know. But, you know....a lot of marriages don't even last as long as our relationship. Our relationship is very solid. To be honest, I think our relationship has gotten better in the last year than in the previous 9. I better quit talking about him. He's pretty private and he would kill me for divulging too much info.

I am an accountant by trade, but if I had it to do all over, I would have chosen a totally different field. It's not that I hate my job. On the contrary....I love where I work and I love the people. I am just a different person than the steriotypical accountant. I detest sitting at a desk all day. Don't ask me why I chose to be an accountant. I was young and had no idea what I wanted to be. Time was running out. I was one semester away from being a senior in college before I chose a major. I was the "undecided Junior," which sometimes leads people into being 2nd year and 3rd year seniors. I freaked and looked at the book, and just figured what major could make me graduate on time. Accounting was it. It's not at all a bad field. It pays well, and I work for a great organization. I just wish I was something more meaningful or exciting. I always wanted to be an interior designer or an architect. Now, I live vicariously through HGTV...(sigh)....

OK....I am going to call this post done. That's enough boring stuff about me for now....

Toodles.

In the Beginning....

OK....so I admit it. I have been a (gasp!!!) blog-stalker for quite some time. Probably over a year. It all started when my dad forwarded me a link to a former classmate's blog, so I could see pictures of her children. Then, for some unknown reason, I began linking into other blogs and stumbling across so many that I could relate to or that were just plain entertaining. I feel weird at times....kinda like a peeping tom! Like a crazy voyeur. I was tuning into certain blogs daily....just to see what outfit Clemsongirl was going to wear. Some people I felt like, for sure, we would be friends if we only lived closer and I wasn't spying on their life through their blog. A wonderful friend they definantly would be if only I weren't some crazy girl linking in and reading about their personal lives. But then, a wild thing happened. I started seeing other people who were just like me. I was introduced to the term "blog-stalker" and realized that I wasn't alone. I wasn't some wierdo that my mom would be ashamed of. I was normal...well, at least I wasn't alone.

So, I continued reading the blogs, never commenting, since I don't know them, and wishing I had some really interesting life to write about. Then, last night I decided....what the heck. These people are like me....that's why I relate to them. Their lives are probably very similar to mine, and if I have fun reading theirs, why not make my own. I have had a really traumatic rough year, and recently received a laptop, and have always loved writing, though I don't think I have a super-talent. Let's give it a whirl. I'll call it therapy. Blogging therapy.

So, here I am. My name is Pam. I am a Bog-Stalker. Nice to meet ya!