My daddy had been very sick for a long time....approximately 2 years. He was diagnosed with lung cancer a few days before Christmas in 2006. I remember thinking that Christmas that it could be the last one we spent with him. But he actually almost made it 2 more years. This Christmas will be hard. Really hard.
I am a "daddy's girl" for sure. From the moment I was born, I feel like I was the apple of his eye. He was a sweet, sentimental guy. Not afraid to cry. Not afraid to hug and kiss. He always told me how proud he was of me. He always told me how much he loved me. He called me pumpkin. I still feel his presence. I hear him talking to me. I miss seeing him. But, really, I have missed my daddy for more than a year. Daddy used to call me all the time. He had gotten really sick this past year, and a lot of my daddy had already died. He was still there. All the sweet qualities, but he hadn't been his full self in over a year. Daddy was so full of life. He laughed from the belly and loved to laugh. He loved to pick on me and embarrass me. He had a contagious laugh. The last year of illnesses had really taken its toll on him and he was a shell of the man he used to be.
How am I coping? Pretty well, actually. Better than my mom, for sure. I feel bad sometimes, when my mother starts crying and I don't join in. I am not sure what is going on with me. I can talk about my daddy and talk past memories and not cry. I can actually make jokes and such. Shouldn't I be devastated? I feel like I shouldn't be able to carry on like I have. Then, I have a day where I get emotional and it lasts all day, but I have done really well this week. I sort of feel at peace. I can't explain it well, but I will try. I have absolutely NO DOUBT that my daddy knew how much I loved him. Maybe, more-so than any other person in the world. I showed him and told him daily. I saw him daily. I told him I loved him daily. So many people have regrets about the things they didn't say or do when they lose a loved one. My only regret is that he didn't get to walk me down the isle. But, I know I have his blessing. So whenever I do walk down the aisle, he'll be there....I just know it. I don't have any regrets of what I did or didn't say or do. Maybe this is why I am handling the loss ok.
Then I wonder if the realization hasn't set in yet. That, maybe one day, it will hit me like a mack truck and I will crumble. I hope that doesn't happen....only time will tell.
I feel daddy is at peace now. I feel joy that he is able to play golf again in heaven. I am happy for him that he doesn't have to take 20 medications, go for Chemo treatments, struggle for breath, and feel awful all the time. It makes me happy to think how happy he must be doing all the things that I know he truly missed doing, but wasn't physically able to do. I am happy that he is with his daddy again and his mother, who he never really knew as a person.
Do I miss him? Of course I miss him. I was at mom and dad's house the other day, and I picked up the bag we brought home from the hospital with Daddy's belongings. I pulled out his shirt that he had worn to the Dr. the day he got admitted. I instinctively buried my face in it, hoping to capture a moment of his presence. I got it. It smelled like my daddy. He always smelled so good. He loved to wear cologne and I knew it would smell like daddy. I will never wash that shirt. I hope it always smells like that. I broke down. I cried all day long. Everything upset me all day. I went back and smelled it again later. My daddy.
I am feeling a bit drained, so I will end his for now. All my love, Daddy!
-Pumpkin
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