Letter to Daddy

My Dearest Daddy,

Well, where do I begin?  I absolutely can not believe it has been 10 months since I saw you last.  A lot has happened.   I am sure you know all this, but I am having a night where I just want to let out some emotions, so I decided to write you a letter.  

Momma is doing pretty good.  I take good care of her.  We spend a lot of time together.  No more, really, than before you left, but it seems to be more quality time, just with her.  I really think she and I have become closer.  I hate that it didn't happen sooner.  It's not really because you left, but just an appreciation of what you have after you lose someone so precious.  I hope that makes sense.   Momma is getting around pretty good.  I really wish she could get around with no pain and walk without shortness of breath, but I am happy she seems to be doing better.  She misses you dearly.  I know she probably regrets not hugging and kissing you more, but she knows you know that you were her world.  She is still mourning....I can tell.  Just the smallest thing will make her cry.  We have made it through some holidays ok.  They were hard and you were really missed.  I am 33 now.  Can you believe that?  

I am also taking good care of your babies.  They so love me.  I am their "gravy train"....my term for the fact that they know I am the one who feeds them.  We gave Gigi and Sassy both super short haircuts earlier in the summer.  Boy, did they feel good.  I keep planning on giving them all baths, but it has rained for 2 weeks straight and I want the ground to dry before I bathe them, so they don't get nasty so quick.  Oh, and we lost Spice, although I am sure she is sitting on your lap now, so she is happy.  That Pepper became VERY attached to me.  He is super affectionate now....he runs to me like a puppy when I get to Momma's.  He still loves to play fetch and cuddle....like always.  

It's almost fall.  You know how I love Halloween, and we will be having the same get-together, trick or treat nite here.  It should be fun....you know I love to entertain.  You always used to say that.  I am looking forward to it.  It's on Saturday this year.  Lexie picked out a "leopard girl" costume online this weekend, but you know she will change her mind before the day comes, so I don't know what she will end up being...other than cute as a button!

Speaking of Lexie, she talks about you ALL THE TIME.  It amazes us how much she talks about you.  She wasn't as outwardly upset as we all were, mostly because she didn't fully understand or she had such a simple view of what was happening...I really don't know.  But, she talks about you and draws pictures about you all the time.  She has told me many times she misses you.  Oh, and she made Straight A's this first nine weeks....she's a smart one, for sure!  But, again, I am sure you know and are bragging to your buddies about her up in heaven.

Daddy, I miss you so much it hurts.  Hurts really bad.  Some days feel normal and then I feel so guilty about how normal they feel, because they shouldn't feel normal without seeing you.  I think about you daily, but some days I think about you much more.  I dream about you more than anyone else, it seems....or at least I remember them much more than anyone else.  I smell you from time to time.  It's shocking sometimes, but really comforting, too.  The smells are gone so fast, and I wish I could smell you more often.  When I smell you, I know you are with me.  I just know it.  Scarlet and Rhett are doing good.  Both a little chunky, but what's new.  Rhett still eats "Pappy Treats" daily, and lets me know if I haven't given him any and he thinks I should have!

Oh, how I need a hug from my daddy today.  It's not a special day...just missed you all weekend.  I don't know what triggered it, but I have thought about you and wanted to talk to you all weekend.  I want a hug.  I want to talk to you on the phone....you know, my nightly call.  I want to hear your voice.  I want you back in person.  I saw a man at Sonic today that didn't really look like you, but favored you in a way, in his manorisms.  I kept staring at him.  The way her looked at folks, the way he drank his drink.  And even his casual smile when he caught me looking at him.  It so reminded me of you.  I wish I could have you back just for one day.  I'd call in sick and wouldn't stop hugging you and talking to you.  You'd be so sick of me....I am sure you would.  I miss your sweet remarks to me.  You always called me "beautiful" or "pretty girl".  I miss being called pumpkin.  

I hope you are happy, Daddy.  I hope you are in the most beautiful place imaginable.  I hope you are loving on all the sweet puppies and kitties up there...we all know all dogs (and cats) go to heaven!  I hope you can enjoy all the sweets you want.  It's hard to imagine where you are.  Sometimes, I wonder if it is like I heard.  That Heaven is just 4 feet above earth...like all around.  So, you are within touching distance, but I just can't touch or see you.  But you are with me every day, making sure I am safe.  Keeping a close eye on me to make sure I am alright.  Keep sending me smells, Daddy.  I love em!  I think I have heard sounds or signs, too.  Keep em coming...whatever they are.  I will try to stay open to hearing them and recognize them as you.  Judy always says if there is anyone you will try to contact, it would be me, your "Pumpkin" and "Baby Girl."  

Well, this letter hasn't been quite eloquent or even well written.  At times, super sporatic.  I am sure I will have forgotten to say some things, but this is all that flowed out of my tired little brain, so this is it.  You are in my heart always and forever.  You know how much I love you, so I will just close with....

Until I see (you in my dreams)/smell (your cologne)/or hug you again.

Love always and forever!

Pumpkin (Baby Girl)

Smells and Memories

Isn't it funny how a smell can bring back memories long forgotten or evoke warm feelings from different eras of your life?  Or remind you of someone special.   My Daddy always smelled so good.  He wore many different colognes over the years, but they all had a very distinct similar smell.  People commented all the time how good he always smelled.  Since Daddy died, I have had numerous moments where I smelled him.  Like he was right there with me, and his scent was his way of letting me know he is still with me.  

This week has been hard for some reason.  It started last Sunday during an early morning trip to Kmart, of all places.  As I was leaving Kmart and starting to drive out of the parking lot, for some reason, I looked over at this car that had just parked.  To my shock, the man sitting in the passenger seat looked so much like my Daddy, it took my breath away.  He was wearing a baseball hat, much like my daddy did most days of his life, and a golf shirt, just like my daddy always wore.  This alone is not so much a shocking combination, but his face resembled Daddy's, too.  The part that really shook me up, is that he looked at me almost as if he was looking into my soul and he held my gaze the entire time as I passed them.  This moment seemed as if it were slow motion.  Then, he smiled at me and waved, and my heart broke into a thousand pieces.  His smile was IDENTICAL to my Daddy's.  A big, toothy grin, with his eyes crinkled up.  The kind of smile that you can't help but reciprocate.  And the sweet little wave.  That little gesture was so reminiscent of my Daddy.  As soon as I passed him, my eyes welled up with tears, and I began to bawl like a baby.  I looked in my rear-view mirror and watched him as he and his wife got out of the car and began to walk towards the entrance.  Even his walk reminded me of my daddy.  He was walking a little slow as if he was ailed in some way, but trying really hard not to let it show.  Just like my daddy did.  I drove as slow as I could, and contemplated turning around and going into Kmart to look at him some more.  I knew that 2 scenarios could happen.  The first being that he really would look just like my daddy, and it would shake me up or he wouldn't really look like my daddy, and I would feel let down.  So, I decided to drive on and let the moment be mine without any complications, and believe whether the man really looked like my daddy or not, he did at that moment.  Maybe Daddy was just smiling and waving at me.  

This moment from Sunday has weighed on my mind all week.  Tuesday night, I had another dream about Daddy.  It wasn't really a good dream, like the prior few I have had, so I won't go into details, but when I woke up, I was upset from the dream.  I decided to go to the bathroom, and as I walked out of the bathroom, I got a whiff of my Daddy's cologne.  Very distinctly, I smelled him for a few seconds, and then it was gone.  I walked back towards the bathroom - no smell.  Back into the dining room - no smell.  Back towards the bathroom and past - no smell.  I couldn't smell him anymore, but the smell had been so strong for a few moments, there is no doubt in my mind that I did smell it.  I smelled my daddy.  

I have smelled Daddy several times over the months since he passed.  How can it not be that he is with me?  It is so close to me when it happens that Daddy has to be hugging me.  And I will continue to believe that.  And hope I continue "smell hugging" him.....

Holidays and Guilt

Holidays have definantly been the hardest days to endure since Daddy died.  Christmas, the one day of the year that most people look forward to and enjoy the most over any other day of the year, was the hardest one, yet.  Christmas came not even a full month after Daddy died.  

It was incredibly hard to put up the Christmas tree this past year.  I have been the main person to assemble and decorate the tree at my parent's house for years, due to their age and health.  Each year, Daddy would always be very excited when the tree went up and he would come in the living room and help fluff the branches.  My mother would usually tell him he wasn't doing it right, but he would always stay in there, sit, and help fluff.  I would them tell momma to stop fussing...that it was sweet of him to want to help.  In it's own disfunctional way, it had become the Christmas tradition.  And I loved every minute of it.  

About 6 years ago, the day after Christmas, my daddy had gone out and bought a big tree.  One that is really almost too big and tall for my parent's house.  It is so big and grand and full, I have to manipulate it to even make it work, but it always turns out beautiful in the end.  This year, merely days before Christmas, I mustered up all I had and told Mom I had to put up a tree.  It wouldn't be Christmas without a Christmas Tree.  But the thought of putting up Daddy's tree, just broke my heart.  It would take a long time, since it was so huge and had many parts, and without Daddy sitting in the wingback chair fluffing out branches, I just didn't think I could handle it.  All those memories would be coming back and I just knew I would break down.  So, I asked Mom if I could just bring my old one over and put it up, since it was a 3 piece tree and wouldn't take long.  Honestly, I think she was feeling the same way I did, so she agreed, and the dinky tree went up.  It was so small, I actually ended up putting encyclopedias under the stand and covering them with the tree skirt to make it appear more substantial.  I decided that since it was so small, there was also no need to rearrange the furniture in the living room.  So, here was Christmas with none of the normal traditions and no Christmas spirit.  

But, then I realized that Daddy would feel so bad if he thought he had ruined Christmas, so, I decorated that tree with all the normal trimmings and kept telling Momma how Daddy would be mad if we didn't have Christmas. We did all the Christmas shopping, wrapping, and anticipated the day, not knowing how we would handle it.  

Christmas morning came and we all gathered around 9am, just like normal.  No one sat in Daddy's chair the entire day.  It was an unspoken feeling amongst everyone.  That was Daddy's chair and he could never be replaced.  I feel he was there that day, sitting in his chair, and probably laughing as Lexie opened her presents and played on her Wii.  As the day progressed, there were some tears, but there was also laughter and love.  

A few other holidays have come and gone.  Daddy's birthday, Valentines Day, Mom's birthday.  Holidays are the hardest, for sure.  My family always made a huge deal out of holidays.  Celebrating holidays is hard without Daddy being here with us, but what is even harder on me is all the other days.  It has been almost 6 months and I find myself almost returning to the old "me."  Not crying and feeling depressed and sad all the time.  My "bad days" are fewer and farther between.  I find myself smiling, joking and feeling normal.  Then I have these guilty thoughts, like, how can we be just going on and acting normal without my Daddy?  It isn't that he is forgotten, but somehow, we have become used to him not being around anymore.  How can this be?  How can such a prominent figure in my life for the past 32 years be gone, and I am already used to it?  This is where the guilt has come in.  There were so many moments after Daddy died that I would want to pick up the phone and call him and tell him all about it or just call to see how he was feeling.  He used to call me every single night, just to chat for one reason or another.  Oh, how I miss those calls.  There have been so many joke emails that I have read and wanted to forward to him, because he would have loved them.  Now it has become the norm not to expect a call from him, not to want to tell him when exciting things happen, not to email him.  I have become used to him not being here, and this pains me even more that missing him on those special days we call holidays.  Until November 27, 2008, not a single day in my life had passed where I didn't talk to my Daddy, and there were very few, really, that I didn't see him.  I made it a priority in life to see him daily, just because, you never know for sure if you will have another day.  I am so very glad I made this a priority now.  

So, here I am feeling guilty.  I know it is a normal phase, but it just doesn't seem right to be able to go on and carry on like normal.  I do know for sure, though, that the hole in my heart will never heal or be filled with anyone else's love.  But I am ok with this.  This is one scar I don't ever want to go away.  No matter how much it hurts at times for him to be gone, I don't want to be void of all emotions for my Daddy.  I want to miss him so badly it hurts, because it proves how deep my love for him is and will always be.  I am Daddy's little girl and will always be....I promised him that, and I keep my promises.

I love you, Daddy!

- Pumpkin 

The Rainbow

I have thought so many times that I need to get this memory down in words before the vivid details fade.  So, here is the story of the rainbow.

The 2 days after daddy passed away, it had rained.  Yucky rainy weather.  Not good for the spirits of a family mourning such a huge loss.  As those 2 days passed, we made all the arrangements, and kept hoping for a sunny day for the funeral.  On that Sunday morning, we were all so relieved to look outside and see sunny skies.  Thank goodness for God opening up the skies and providing us with a beautiful sunny day.  The entire time of the visitation and funeral the skies remained beautiful.  After the funeral service, as the casket was loaded into the hearse, and everyone began forming the funeral procession, the wind began blowing fiercely and the skies began to threaten a horrible downpour of rain.  We began driving the 10 minutes or so to Memorial Gardens, and the closer we got, the worse the weather looked.  The entire ride, I commented on how awful this was.  Why did it have to rain, now, of all times, when we were about to lay my daddy in his final resting place!  Why did it just have to storm right now, at this moment?  The most emotional moments of the entire past few days.  Why?!?!

About 1 minute before we arrived, the bottom fell out.  It was windy and awful.  Then, just as we were getting my mother out of the vehicle and proceeding to walk towards the grave side, it stopped raining.  Just stopped.  The moment was very surreal.  I don't remember all of what was going on at this time, and I don't even remember who said the next statement, but I heard someone say "Oh, my goodness!  Look at that rainbow!"  Then someone else said "Look, Pam!  Look at that Rainbow!"  I looked out toward the tree line, just where the clouds had opened up to let a ray of sun shine through, and there it was.....the most beautiful rainbow I had ever seen.  Not just a single rainbow, but a double rainbow!  The main rainbow was super vivid, full of the most beautiful colors nature could have ever created.  The second rainbow overlapped the main rainbow and was a bit dimmer, but still a complete rainbow.  We all stood there in amazement looking at this beautiful miracle of nature, and in that very moment, I was overcome with peace.  I know with all my heart that my daddy sent this rainbow at this very moment as a sign for my whole family that he was OK.  That he was happy and peaceful and finally living again in a much better  place.  Daddy always did things with such grandeur.  He was full of life, wore the brightest colors he could find, and laughed from the depth of his belly with a big bright smile.  These 2 rainbows were my daddy.  Bright, colorful, beautiful and captivating.  You can't look at a rainbow without smiling, and you couldn't look at my daddy without smiling.  The rainbows began to fade as we walked to the graveside, but that image is emblazened in my memory, just as vividly as that day.  

So, why did it have to rain?  The most simple answer is that it had to rain for Daddy to be able to send us those rainbows.  But, more than that, the symbolism of that day is that storms happen in life.  We will go through bad times, but we should always be looking for the rainbow at the end.  And seeing that rainbow after enduring rough patches in life will definantly make you appreciate the rainbow even more.  

Now, every time I see a rainbow, I think of my daddy.  What a wonderful thing to remember him by!  I never truly appreciated the awesome beauty of a rainbow until that day, but I will never see a rainbow again without truly enjoying them.  And, I believe every rainbow I have the honor of seeing will be brought to me by my daddy, as a gift, and I will enjoy them to the fullest.  It was my daddy's last lesson to me....look past the bad times, ride out the storm, and enjoy the rainbows in life.